Another form of virtual reality? Yes, your CV!

How do you write a CV that will impress?

Now you’d think that the business of reading and writing curriculum vitae was a seriously boring subject, in fact, if you’ve got this far, then well done, BUT …

Advising on how to condense into a few words your working strengths, personality, character and approach to life has become a veritable industry. I’m on the receiving end at the moment, trawling through tens of CVs to try to find candidates that will be able to perform a job that I want done. It seems to me that the first rule of CV writing is to throw out all modesty and recognize that the objective of the CV is not to tell the truth but to get an interview.

For a potential employer, the no-no is an unexplained gap. I remember being persuaded to interview a chap who’d had eight consecutive years unexplained on his job history. Now, OK, I’m not David Frost, but people do sometimes open up. It transpired that the fellow had been insulted in a pub and, in a fit of rage turned on his tormentor and … killed him. Convicted of murder, he was released after eight years for “good behavior”. Now what does that mean, that he didn’t knife anyone else while inside???

OK, so not all the gaps will be explained by prison sentences, and anyway, the whole idea of a prison sentence is that on completion the debt to society has been paid and the slate wiped clean. (Do I hear a ragged chorus of “yeah, right”.) There are plenty of other reasons for spending time without work, that is being (and get ready for the word) unemployed. And a terrible word it is; unemployed is a word with innuendos of poverty for my parents’ generation and failure for mine.

For the current generation, however, it’s become an opportunity for the CV spin doctors. Hide it with other words. How about “dynamically exploiting the opportunities for creative self-awareness”, or “touching life’s endless bounties during every waking minute, unfettered by externally imposed interruptions”. I have to admit that the second one is a bit of invention, but I saw the first one on a letter attaching a CV a few weeks ago.

OK let’s leave the realm of nothing at all and get round to those menial jobs of youth. How do we spin those evenings spent serving beer for cash at the Student’s Union? “Client facing national beverage dispensing operative, with full revenue responsibility” perhaps.

Having a paper round? “Information logistics supply specialist”.

You get the picture, I’m sure. So onto another aspect of document writing, how do you put a security classification on CV? Out goes “highly confidential and top secret” ’cos you want it read by anyone who’s going to give you a salary, so how about “highly un-confidential and of extreme self-importance”?

Now what actually inspired all this? Well, seeing on a CV lists of supposed knowledge. The inventive individual concerned grouped skills under “expertise” and “technical knowledge”. Technical knowledge meant he’d read a book on the subject and expertise meant he’d tried to use the knowledge at least once (with or without success was left to the imagination).

So, to answer the question posed at the start of this little piece,
• By all means gift wrap reality, but don’t create expectations that can’t be fulfilled
• Be creative about what you got out of an experience, but don’t make the experience other than what it was.
• Remember that if the CV is going to get you an interview, you’re going to have justify what’s written on the CV.

Now how will I package the writing of this blog, I wonder, on my own CV? Well I won’t. I just attach the blog address to the bottom of each email and hope that people enjoy at least some of the pieces I write.