We've upgraded our service to you

Now there’s another phrase to dread – “we’ve upgraded our service” and once again it’s a bank that’s stuck it to me.

“We’re revoking your on-line service” said my bank - BLOM, here in Beirut.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because we’ve upgraded the service.”
“Ah, well, if you’ve upgraded it, why can’t I keep using it?”
“You need to come into the bank and apply for the new improved, upgraded, bigger and better service.”
“Can’t I do it on-line.”
“No, you have to come in”. Sounds like a Len Deighton spy thriller, or one of the Bourne trilogy, where “coming in” is a euphemism for “we want to damage you”.
“Could you fax me the documents and I’ll fax them back?”
“You have to come in.”
“Well what if I don’t?”
“The on-line banking service has been upgraded, so yours will be withdrawn if you don’t come in.”

Realising that I’m not even close to winning this, I give in and “come in”. I’m looked after by a charming, attractive and sympathetic young lady who stays all three while I deliver my tirade on compulsory inefficiency bordering on stupidity. She gets out the form and asks me to choose user name, password and secret question with answer. She writes down all my replies and asks us both to sign.

“What do you mean, both of us??”
“Well, it’s a joint account.”
“But my wife is off visiting her daughter … in Saudi Arabia, she didn’t have to sign last time, only one signature was needed”
I suppose you can guess the answer by now …
“We’ve upgraded the service.” At least the pretence at improvement had gone.

This time we compromised, I could take the documents home, get my wife to sign and then bring the forms back.

We did this (why insist she signs and then give me the opportunity to forge her signature? Oops, this is Lebanon, I think I've just answered my own question!) and I logged onto the service for the first time.

As far as I can judge there are three changes. The first is that instead of clicking on a desk-top icon, I now have to hunt for the portal, as it is NOT available or even referenced on the bank’s web-site. Second, I need my mobile phone to get information from a previously sent text message. Finally, I keep a history of all transactions stored in the on-line service, one of its really good facilities. And the history has gone. Oh, and there’s a piece of paper somewhere with all my detailed security data on it.

Dear BLOM, please think harder before you upgrade anything else.